Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
