I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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