On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
