At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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