I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need moral support for this bender
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
