so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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