He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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