do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
