She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize