Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
