Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize