i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
