I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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