went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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