whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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