It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
