i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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