ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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