They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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