I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
