Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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