i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
