so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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