I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
