In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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