ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The power of my boobs compel you
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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