I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
