It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
