i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
we're so committed to being not committed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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