When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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