The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
