You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
