i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Found the puke drawer
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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