I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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