this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
