i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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