Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
