Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
