i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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