there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
do herpes really smell.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
