I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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