update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
