we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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