Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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