I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Randomize
