today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
