I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
