he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
