So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
