Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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