Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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