i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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