He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
