problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Randomize
