Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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