That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
