The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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