i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
