hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i believe in u and ur pee
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
