I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
